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Ranch Potatoes

Ranch Potatoes

By Josh Steiner

Who in the malt is O’dextrin…

Welcome readers, to my humble yet ranting blog, where we talk food porn; sometimes more and sometimes much, much less… Today we will check your potato head Mister, invest in gold and fire O’ dextrin from the ranch…

We pay cash for gold…

When you’re making mashed potatoes in this economy, you have to get out of the market and invest in Gold… Yukon gold potatoes have managed to maintain their holiday relevance in a market otherwise flush with fluctuation. Avoiding the instability of the emerging and subsequently fading trends that plague other Turkey Day dishes the Yukon Gold guarantees positive returns to your potato portfolio.

To further protect your potato portfolio from the ebb and flow of popular opinion, diversify. For instance if you have 4 peeled, boiled and mashed Yukon Gold potatoes and you invest ½ cup of milk, ½ cup of sour cream, 2 Tblspns butter, you now have diversified your potato portfolio to a mashed potato portfolio with a powerful dairy lobby. As well as increased your short term taste yield.

Increased consumer confidence will often lead to further investing with 2 slices of diced, crispy, bacon and some chives. Now you’ve added the farm council lobby excellent move, prudent readers, they’ve got deep pockets! Ranch seasoning is also a legal way to double the investment value of your mashed potato portfolio, but don’t be fooled by inferior ranch investments that can actually reduce your mashed potato returns…

Meanwhile back at the ranch…

So you’ve thought of investing in ranch seasoning, but who is regulating this “ranch”? The contents of a packet of ranch “seasoning” that I recently picked up included among others Maltodextrin and Salt (the primary ingredients), Milk?, Yeast extract?, Sunflower oil?, Corn sugar? Isn’t Maltodextrin a corn sugar already? A good example of how to ruin an otherwise sound mashed potato portfolio with virtually no taste dividends.

That is an example of the corn and sodium markets artificially inflating the short term taste yields. However this sort of mashed portfolio manipulation should be regulated. Because although this legal market manipulation might inflate your short term taste yields, it will also invariably create a short-term spike in blood sugars and also a high yield increase to your long term hypertension outlook. An investment we can all do without.

Tell O’dextrin he’s fired…

Here is a model of a sound ranch investment model that is guaranteed to further your mashed potato short term taste dividends. 1 Tblspn dried parsley, 1 tspn dill, 1 tspn onion powder, ½ tspn garlic powder, 1 tspn Kosher salt and ¼ tspn black pepper. Combine and add to your already potent mashed potato portfolio and taste as the short term taste dividends have now tripled your investment and flavor yield.

As based in a value/devaluation model of the taste/dividend ratio as relating to short term dividend, bearing portfolio established taste and existing portfolio conditions must be considered. High yield and short yield, long and short term taste dividends and flavor objectives should also always be considered before beginning any mash potato portfolio…

Going vegan? Replace dairy with 1 cup starchy water reserved from boiling the potatoes. Oh yeah and lose the bacon. Investing in yourself eh? Now that’s a good investment…

*Joshua Steiner has worked in restaurants and kitchens for most of his life and held just about every conceivable job in the industry. Now he’s bringing his tips, tricks and travels to The High Plains Reader and @thepeoplespressproject.org for you to use in YOUR kitchen.

 

 

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